I swallowed hard

Bertie walked into the room scratching his nether regions drinking from a freshly opened can of larger. He had just got up. It was 4pm.  

‘You still here?’ he said looking at me curled up on the deep brown chair. It was then I had another realisation. If I were to follow mONKEYs fOREHEAd on the road would I stifle their creativity. As they say, twos a company threes a crowd and I would be that one individual that made a company a crowd. This is not a decision I can make without discussion. I did not get a vibe that said now was a good time so instead I called a taxi to take me back to my hotel.

I sat in the taxi and contemplated my future. I was not attempting to infiltrate the band but become a member of the band. The taxi pulled up in the car park of the hotel. Maybe I could be a part time member. I paid my fare and collected the mandatory receipt for expenses. I don’t know the first thing about playing music and music composition. I pushed on the revolving doors, walked past the tired looking receptionist and made my way up to my room. I could be an on-the-road journalist that could work. I swiped my card and opened the door to my room. Nevertheless, an on-the-road journalist is not a member of the band.

I flopped back onto the bed and pulled my shoes off by dragging them on the side of the bed. My head rolled to its side allowing me to catch a glimpse of the photograph I took everywhere with me. The beech wood frame held a picture of my wife holding our two-year-old son. I swallowed hard but was unable to stop the small tear that rolled down my face. I instantly made my decision and at that very moment leapt up from the bed and decided to go back home a day early. I could not believe I had even considered leaving something so precious to me.

hang on, it is the weather

I had spent most of the day engrossed in puerile television with channels determined by whoever could be bothered to pick up the remote control. One film would seamlessly blend into the news, which would seamlessly blend into the next film. This I only later realised following confusion as to why James Bond had defeated another world dominator and saw it fit to break into my local school and then turn green and live in a swamp.

Occasionally somebody would arise and make their way to the toilet to expel a mixture of partly digested booze and bile. Occasionally somebody would arise to feast on left over buffet food and then make their way to the toilet to expel a mixture of partly digested booze and bile.

I soon realised that I could not continue this party lifestyle for much longer. I had my own commitments and deadlines to meet. I had a loving family at home. I had the loving and supporting wife who would understand when I needed to stay over at parties. Today was New Years Day. Time I should spend with my family. However, as I sat here and looked around the room I started to feel that this was my family. I had bonded with a new accepting family that took me to their bosom. They accepted me without any humiliating initiation ceremony. I am becoming as one with mONKEYs fOREHEAd. I began to question if I could be the elusive third member and follow them around the world. I sat melting into the sofa whilst thumbing my ring. My wedding ring that is. I have hit my crossroads. Do I leave Bertie’s house, go home and write up my story? Do I go back to my wife and consider a new journalistic path or do I hit the road? Maybe it is time to think of a New Year’s resolution. Now why is that lady suggestively rubbing Shrek’s body? Hang on, it is the weather.

the morning after the night before

My hangover was unbearable. It hurt to breathe in and it hurt to breathe out. Any noise might as well have been an explosion. Any thought I had caused that much discomfort I felt like I was going to vomit. My mouth was dryer than the ashtray I had just put my hand in when blindly reaching for anything to drink. It felt as though I would have had more joy trying to turn the Sahara desert into a marsh by spitting on it.

Although I am reflecting back on New Years Day I still remember that I could not have paid for the quality time I had with mONKEYs fOREHEAd over this holiday period. Exclusives like this come before any time off. Here I was living the morning after the night before with one of the greatest bands to come out. I was going to say out of the UK but feel to judge me if I say, the world.

I ambled across the sleeping bodies and made my way into the kitchen. The cool blast that spewed out of the refrigerator was a Godsend. I could have fallen back to sleep in there as the refreshing chilled air massaged my throbbing temples. I pulled a can of something from its ice-cold nest, opened up its face and drank the contents. As the gas hit my stomach it realised it would rather be outside my body rather than inside it and so made its way back out with a loud belch. Ordinarily a house waking belch but not today. Not only would waking a statue have been easier, today was going to be about not leaving the house. Today is about sitting watching whatever mind numbing new years TV is on offer whilst slowly drip-feeding left over food stuffs. Today is about using as few words as possible with no intention of showering. Today is New Year’s Day. All is quiet on New Year’s Day.