a dark age

And, sure enough, in true mONKEYs fOREHEAd fashion, they disappeared off the face of the earth for over seven months. Nevertheless, to be honest, being around their greatness did become somewhat overwhelming and my editor retracted me from the job until I recovered fully. I did not officially document what happened to me over the last seven months or anyone around me that I am aware. This became the dark ages of mONKEYs fOREHEAd. A dark age that only now am I ready to shed some light on.

The last I remember was sitting in the local pub of mONKEYs fOREHEAd around the Christmas period. It was the happiest of times, it was the…well you get the idea. Bertie was renowned for not being a man who would be sat in the bar with free hands. They would either be holding the glass for drinking or holding the cigarette for smoking. With no ties to bind, he would drink and drink and drink. It was not uncommon for him to finish the pints of those around him who would be ‘taking on water’ as he put it and thus unable to finish their own drinks before last orders.

Bertie confided in me quite loudly across the faces of the speaking others that he would hit a state of panic if he had finished his drink and was unable to purchase another at the bar. Therefore, two resolves that are more manageable were concocted. Firstly, a number of years ago a good friend of his would keep what he called ‘Bertie’s emergency fiver’ in his wallet. This was simply a five-pound note held in reserve for the inevitable moment when Bertie ran out of money just before last orders and then invariably ran out of drink. Bertie would borrow and immediately spend the said emergency fiver but always pay it back at the end of the night. In addition, of course, the paid back fiver went back into the friend’s wallet for next time.

With Skinny Boy, a new approach was adopted. Whilst Bertie was known as the drinker, Skinny Boy was known as the dodger. Closer towards the end of an evening Skinny Boy would stop buying himself a drink during his round and play catch up. However, the drinking buddies would continue to buy him drinks thus resulting in a ‘boozer buffer’. This was a buffer Bertie was very happy to assist in the clearing of.

As I sit and write this, what is coming back to me in drips and drabs is the new years eve of last year. How I wish I had still forgotten it.