tears of fury

            ‘Skinny Boy! What the fu…’ Skinny Boy walked towards me smiling and holding out his hand to shake mine. I was ready to throw him out of the window and the look on my face must have displayed this. He backed off slightly and asked what was wrong. I then realised that there was a stick involved and I had hold of the wrong end of it.

            Skinny Boy explained that a CD of mONKEYs fOREHEAd that he had accidently left on the bus was being played in a local club. The DJ had tracked him down and wanted to know if mONKEYs fOREHEAd would play in the club. They had there first ever gig. Skinny Boy wanted to know of I fancied joining them and cover this historical moment. I looked over at my wife who sat there clutching a cup of tea. She smiled back at me and slowly nodded her head.

            It was at that point I just stood and looked at her. I know that it was not for as long as it felt. If it had been, she would have had more of a worried look on her face as I was now moving from the looking at her lovingly to giving her a stalkers stare. In the moment, I flashed through the day our daughter was born, back to our wedding day, back to the dates we had, back to the time we had our first date to the time we first met. This was another chapter in our relationship. It was a chapter I was very happy to share with her.

            ‘Come with me’. I said to her. I explained how she had been supportive through my work so far and thought why would she not join me? We could ask her mother to look after our daughter for a few days and enjoy a long weekend together. The smile she gave me let me know that this was my dream I was following. She was supportive but in her own way. I cuddled her for what felt like ages. Skinny Boy went outside for a smoke whilst we talked.

            I felt quite choked as I swapped some old clothes for some clean ones. My daughter came out of her bedroom to meet me. I fought back the tears. I wanted to cry for the time I had been away. I wanted to cry for the time I would be leaving again. However, this time I knew it would not be for as long. I had a lot of catching up to do. I needed to be a father again. As I always did at moments like this I tried to convince myself that this was all for the good of the family.

            Skinny Boy joined us from the garden and almost immediately left again to use the toilet. He said that it was a long drive and he did not know when he would get to go again so made the most of a golden opportunity. I threw my bag over my shoulder and kissed my family again.

As we walked down the driveway, I asked whose car we should take as I looked over his BMW. He said that we would have to take mine as he had taken the train. It never sunk in. Whose car was it then?

I started the car engine and clicked my seatbelt. As we pulled away, I looked at my house one more time. I had only been back a matter of hours. I had such an understanding wife. At least so I thought. As I waited to pull out of the junction at the top of the street, I looked up at the bedroom window and saw a semi-naked man peering through the curtains. Curtains that were closed during the day. That should have been a sign. The BMW driver was still in my house. I clenched the steering wheel as tears slowly began to well in my eyes. This time they were tears of fury. I looked over to Skinny Boy.

            ‘So mate, tell me, what have I missed then?’ I put the car into first gear and pulled away.

living in dirty clothes and dirtier motels

I don’t know to this day the reason for me driving so slowly up the double width drive way. I was either delaying the inevitable knowing that once I walk in that house nothing will be the same again or I was hoping whoever it was, was going to walk out at any moment and that I would confront them. I reached my garage door by driving past the nicely polished dark gray BMW. I was tempted to get out of my car and scratch my car key right down the side of the door. All the hate that was building up in me began to leak out. I wanted revenge.

I resisted the temptation to bang his door as I got out my car. I left my suitcase in the boot, as there was a good chance I would be walking straight back out the house again. I would be living in dirty clothes and dirtier motels whilst my life fell apart around me.

I relived the memories of our wedding day, our first date, the birth of our children and knew it was all about to end today. End in a matter of minutes. I paused. I contemplated just what I was going to do when I walked in the house. Would I do it quietly to catch them at it? Would I make some noise to give them the chance to stop what they were doing and make a feeble excuse that I would believe? Anything for a quiet life I thought. I then thought about all my stuff in the loft and if I left, I would have to sort all that out. There is a good few day’s work in itself. Was it really worth it? I decided on the quiet approach.

I slowly took out my door keys from tighter jeans pocket and pushed the key suggestively into the keyhole. I was tempted to pull it out and push it back a few times but that would be childish. That is what is going on upstairs right now in my own bed! The door slowly opened revealing the open hallway. As I looked to my left, I was caught completely off guard. They were on the sofa. They were in the front room. Did they have no shame? My wife stood up looking quite surprised, which is to be expected, as I was not due home for another few days. Then he stood up. I must have looked just as surprised as my wife must have when he turned round and I saw whom it was.