mONKEYs fOREHEAd Christmas Special

I forget how the topic came up but we started to talk about a typical Christmas day in the world of mONKEYs fOREHEAd. I wanted to know what happens on a typical mONKEYs fOREHEAd Christmas day so I asked ‘what happens on a typical mONKEYs fOREHEAd Christmas day?’ Bertie was polite enough to put out a cigarette and give me his full attention. Although in saying that he was down to the filter so was probably going to put it out anyway.

‘Well, I get up, open presents, go in the shower and then come in here. I leave here, go back home for dinner and cans and then watch the tele, with more cans. I then add sweets and wait for Skinny to come round’. At this point Skinny Boy was stubbing his cigarette out whilst blowing out smoke at an angle that looked as though it was going in his eyes.

‘What I do is I get up, open presents, go in the shower and then go to the club with me dad. I leave the club, go back home for dinner and cans and then watch the tele, with more cans. I then leave the house and call for Bertie and we come back in here’.

I took from the two that this pub is like a second home to them. They have friends that regularly pop in, pop over, chat then move on. Their domain is this corner and I have witnessed first hand the problems when it is taken. They sit perched like birds of prey ready to strike at a carcass, no maybe strike at a wild animal, but not too wild, bigger than mouse but no bigger than a large dog like a Labrador. But for the record I am not saying they would attack a Labrador. They might, but I have seen no evidence to suggest that they would.

So it would appear that Christmas in the homes of mONKEYs fOREHEAd is no different to that of any other family home. I appreciate that they are grounded, normal human beings. They are not too dissimilar to the rest of us only they have a talent that is extraordinary. And by extraordinary I don’t mean they are not only ordinary but so ordinary that they are extra-ordinary I mean that I am in the presences of true greatness. And by presence I don’t mean Christmas presents, hang on that doesn’t work in writing. Note to myself; do not write an article after consuming too many Babycham’s.

bertie's brain oil

I thought it was going to be difficult asking mONKEYs fOREHEAd about the women in their lives, but that would have been so much easier that approaching their personal relationship together. So to lighten the mood and making following this line of enquires that bit easier I decided to use Bertie’s Brain Oil or alcohol as it is better known.

Unsurprising it was quite easy getting them to the pub. The prospect of free lager, free smokes, a free BLT and a lift and I felt I could get them to say almost anything and before I could get my cars keys out of my pocket we were at the pub. Well not literally but it was pretty damn quick.

I took them to their local and watched from the bar as they once again seamless worked together to rearrange their corner by moving tables and chairs as another collected the beer mats, moving the chairs as the other collected a clean ash tray. And in unison they took of their coats, sat down, stood up again to take out their mobile phones and cigarettes and then sat down again. Once the ritual was completed they both looked over at me to check on the progress of the lager. Due to their regularity the bar maid had already seen them walk in and pulled two pints of Bertie’s Brain Oil and was waiting for my order. I thought that if I just bought orange juice then I would get some stick of Bertie so I went with a beer shandy on the hope he wouldn’t notice. I walked over and joined them at the table.

‘About time’ said a grateful Bertie as he took the pint and downed half. ‘Enjoy yer shandy yer puff’ he added. What was I thinking, I was never going to fool him when it came to beer.

The afternoon slowly warmed up as they reminisced of the good times and reminisced of the better times. I noticed that there was never a mention of sad times. The fuel that powered mONKEYs fOREHEAd was not Bertie’s Brain Oil but a positive friendship. A friendship that appeared to increase with every interaction. One that had an abundance of positivity that was enough to power the band even when they were apart. Whenever the two met the upbeat nature always increased and fed into those around them. Well, those that could keep up with the humour. So I took my moment and asked.

‘What is the relationship between you guys, you know, behind closed doors?’ Bertie paused and looked at me.

‘What do you mean? Are we gay?’ asked Bertie. Now this surprised me as for some reason I was expecting quite a defensive reaction.

‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that’ added Skinny Boy.

‘No we’re not’ they replied in unison and than for the next 5 minutes sat in silence drinking their pints’. I hjad soured the mood. This was not looking good. I need to do something, and fast.

‘Anyone fancy a BLT?’ I asked. And up the mood went. As I walked to the bar to place the order I couldn’t help feeling I had touched a nerve. I need to get the interview back on track, but asking personal questions was not going to be the way. To be honest, I think I need to do a bit more fishing about their relationship together but I will have to bide my time.

well oiled

It is not always easy approaching a couple of guys to talk to them about the women in their lives (of which at this stage I have seen none). So I do a pathetic round up of why I am there.

‘So lads, it has been a week can you believe that?’

‘Very much so to be honest mate, I actually thought it was longer’. Bloody hell, Bertie is in a mood again. Maybe arranging to meet them at a local fast food chain early on a Sunday morning was a bad idea. Well the Sunday morning bit.

‘I will have a breakfast, a muffin and what ever looks like it could pass as an afters. And a straw no van no choc no yeah a vanilla milkshake. And a coffee of course. You are paying for this aren’t you?’ I agreed with a nod and took Skinny Boy’s more meagre order of two sausage buns. It was only when I got to the queue did I notice them laughing and clicked that they don’t do “Sausage buns” so I returned.

‘Yeah so when we worked in the factory Skinny would always order two sausage buns from the canteen. He then decides to have a change and spends the next few moments changing his mind between varieties of deep fried wonders. He gets to the front of the queue and panics and orders the same two sausage buns. But the thing is he does this every Friday’. I felt that was one of those “you had to be there” moments but forced a polite laugh all the same.

‘Anyway…where’s me food chore?’ I got up and returned to the queue to get a sausage muffin. And a coffee. And a Capri Sun drink if they have one? Another wind up I think.

Whilst I stood in the queue I took the time to watch the two interact. There are like a well oiled machine. They finish each others sentences and appear to laugh two or three punch lines ahead of anyone else who dare even attempt to follow their humorous monologues or stabs at life as it spins around them. I do notice that satire is not one of their strongest points. However, I put this down to Bertie’s “politics is bollocks” political belief. This does not hinder their seamless connection like two great minds locked in a genius soaked cranium. Then it hits me. I think I have discovered why they work so well together, why there are no women in their life and why…

‘Can I take your order mate?’ sod it, I will have to come back to this…