back to the bar

 ‘Well…’ starts Bertie ‘it’s err… slang for … now then Billy’ with that, what appears to be a friend of the two walks in. ‘What you two doing, who’s this?’ he looks at me without a pint and I stand to introduce myself when Skinny Boy interrupts

‘It’s a mate from work, what are you up to? Who’s in?’ he asks.

‘Just me and Slim were playing pool next door are you coming?’ with this Slim joins us holding two pints ‘nor maybe later’ and they both leave.

   As the afternoon progress into early evening, the distractions becoming greater and I’m getting no further forward with my questions, I decide to leave. I phone a taxi from the pub to go back to the hotel and reflect on the day. When I look at it, it’s been quite a day, almost a mONKEYs fOREHEADd day, I appear to of done a lot with nothing to show for it so maybe it’s not been too wasted. Am I becoming like them? After one day. It would seem so as when I get back to the hotel I hit the bar and leave my notes until the next morning with no intention of doing them. As I try to sleep I plan and look forward to the next day with them. To be understood you have to join in and I feel I am. Maybe tomorrow I can extract more from Bertie and Skinny Boy but until after one o’clock as they want a lie in.

how dare they!!!

   I felt an air of disappointment as we entered the pub. We dropped the car of round Berties and walked a five-minute distance to the local. This was local more for Bertie than Skinny but he obviously did not appear to mind. The air of disappointment was brought to light when under his breath Bertie said ‘fucking bastards they’ve got our corner’ it would appear this place was more of a local then I first thought as the boys have their own seats. Slightly secluded in the corner of this pub, which I have been requested not to mention as further seat taking could prevail, is a quiet area the boys like to call their own, even though we are only in the opposite corner I feel an uncomfortable mood in Bertie.

‘You know there is nothing more annoying then that, I’ve never seen them bastards in here before’. As he calms down a bit I look over at Skinny who is collecting beer mats and an ashtray and setting out his phone and cigarettes beside his lager. He sits down sips his pint and breathes out loudly a sigh of comfort.

 “So it’s been a number of years now you two have been together, were do feel mONKEYs fOREHEAd is going?” I asked Skinny Boy who is now sat staring over towards ‘the corner’. ‘Their moving, looks like their going…’ with this Bertie is collecting his things together his phone, tabs, lighter, pint and jacket and with a majestic swoop almost like an eagle to a field mouse he repositions himself in his usual corner. With that Skinny Boy and I follow and join him. As we reorganize the tables that the ‘fucking messy bastards no bloody respect for fuck all’ as Bertie puts it, I feel that the mood has changed and now serenity prevails. I ask about the name ‘mONKEYs fOREHEAd’ what’s that all about then? They start to laugh and look at each other.

Trip, but don't fall

   The home town of the lads is small but cozy, ‘it has its shit holes like everywhere but there isn’t really a rough bit, apart from were that tramp was kicked to death’. Bertie adds ‘you see he wasn’t one of ours, not under our management, we offered protection but he didn’t want it, so he had to go.’ As I look over a Skinny Boy in horror I see him holding a laugh in. I have been had. It would appear that the humor goes wherever they do, be it the work, the pub or even the chip shop it is with them always.

   ‘You see,’ says Bertie as he pulls in to park ‘I have this draw at home full of ideas like story’s and sketch’s and that but as the saying goes ‘don’t do today what you can put of till tomorrow’ and I live by that. You can always find an excuse to delay things to the last minute’. He gets out the car and I follow. As skinny boy is walking he is making drum sounds out loud to himself. Here I am walking with the mONKEYs fOREHEAd and hearing uncut tunes from one of the masters, I had to ask ‘is that one of yours?’

‘No it’s Orbital’ his reply was disappointing. I had to find out the inspiration, were it all comes from, to hear it first hand from the boys themselves. I picked my moment as we crossed the road, but at this point Bertie trips on the curb of the pavement and Skinny Boy bursts in to hilarity. My moment was gone as all the way back to Skinny’s house they laughed and reminisced of previous times they each fell. I started to feel like destiny was holding me back. Was I ever going to break in to this duo for the past, present and future of their history only time would tell and with an expenses form I knew that to get to the heart and soul I had to get them to the pub, a task I found unsurprisingly easy.

Bedroom antics

   ‘The whole idea of monkeys started a few years back. We wanted to make our own tunes, we would sit on our own at weddings and that and listen to the song the D.J played and say we could do that piss easy, but never bothered’, says Bertie who is now smoking a cigarette without handing any out.

‘Actually that’s not fully true’, adds skinny boy walking in with only two glasses of orange. ‘We bought a keyboard remember, it’s up there on the wardrobe’ he sits down.

‘That’s right and we did ‘cold rok’in it’. The only problem was getting the sound level right. It was too quiet at the start so you had to turn it up andd thennn’ at this point they have an in joke laugh and Bertie continues ‘as it gets going it gets too loud, so we left it.’

At this point I am stating to feel a little in the way, like my presence is holding back new ground breaking ideas that could have the whole world rocking as one big community so ask ‘what would you usually be doing now’ and wait with anticipation.

‘Well’ answers skinny putting his cigarette out ‘we would go to the chippie do you want out?’ as I laugh out loud joining in on this prank they stand up and put there coats on as to leave. ‘You waiting or coming, I can put sum tunes on if you want?’ Skinny looks over at me putting his phone in his pocket and opens the curtains. I choose to join them.

the interview begins

   It all started when Fat Boy Bertie met Skinny Boy and shared tabs, beer and a similar interest in humor, sometimes a bit unusual but never funny. It was quite simply genius meets lazy bastards. Their ‘I’ll get round to it later’ attitude denied the world of true greatness. A catch phrase of ‘we should write that down’ and ‘lets carry a Dictaphone round with us and a pad of paper and make a note of anything to use later’ (with no intention of) would be said in one way or form at least eight times a day. But why hold back? Surely the world was being denied true greatness in these late twenty year olds. We caught up with them round skinny boys house where he lives with his parents.

   ‘So why have you never released any of this great material?’ I asked.

  ‘Dunno couldn’t be arsed’ was the reply of Bertie sat resting against the radiator of skinny boys room. Skinny continues ‘we hoped that if we held on to it long enough someone would find it an do it for us.’ This relaxed attitude sums up the whole genre of the single life of two unmotivated masters of comedy but I was not going to leave it there I had to find out more, to see the scripts if any and to get these guys to open up.

when it all started

So we have dreams. We do all have dreams don't we? Well we did...and still do.

Picture the scene...a bedroom...no wait; let's go back a little bit - a college. Now hang on don't leave just yet, this is not the story of some cheesy college band, it is the location of the first meeting. Picture Lennon, meeting McCartney and then doing nothing for a few years. And by nothing I mean they never met again until the need for money forced them into a factory.

So one of them went to the other one and said "didn't you go to that college?" and the other replied,

"Yes I did. We played darts didn't we? I thought playing darts was cool at that time. I found out later it wasn't. By of all people...the 'cool kids'". Chatter continued until one day he joined the other for a pint. The muse of any wannabe musician. The pub was a happy time. The pub born the imagination and was the impulsive meeting of great ideas...that never came to any fruition. I sit looking at the first CD we cut and think...the world needs to know about the beginning of something great that never started.